getting to ikea: a retrospective

Would never have imagined it could be so difficult to find a giant box store--a blue and yellow one, no less, roughly the girth of the Roman Colosseum and the Jacob Javitz Center combined, and as popular as Wal-Mart on black Friday. And yet.

Our fist mistake (of many): trusting Google Maps. When the directions eventually failed, we stopped at the first opportunity: a Quick Mart somewhere in the wilds of west Stoughton. As soon as Leah and I opened the door, the cashier sized us up and announced, "You got lost looking for Ikea, right?" Huh. "Go back out the way you came, go straight through five lights, about five miles, and it'll be on your left." Apparently we were but one of many in a long wagon train of urban pioneers, searching the suburbs for cheap home furnishings and trusting our fate to Google Maps.

Off we went. The fifth light put us somewhere in the wilds of east Stoughton. In every direction, all we could see were trees. Where was the pavement? The parking spaces? The shopping carts? The bargains? Clearly still lost, we stopped at a gas station with a falling-down sign and nary a customer in sight. I push open the door, and find an attendant sitting in a dank, dusty office, looking like he hasn't seen the outdoors since gas cost $1 a gallon. But we'd been driving for the better part of an hour by this point, so I get right down to business: Where is this magical land of Swedish imports?

"Go up to the light here," he says, pointing to whence we came, "and take a right."

"Do you mean this light?" I ask, pointing to the number five in view, where the only reasonable option is to turn left, unless you're the off-roading adventurous sort.

"Yeah."

"So I should turn left there, shouldn't I?"

"Nope, turn right," he insists, much to the chagrin, I'm sure, of the individuals who live in the house though which you would pass if you were to follow his directions.

We volley a few more left-right arguments before I give up. "Ok, so I turn right. Then what?" Three lights, turn right at the Exxon, and it's right there on your right.

Wouldn't you know it. The best directions of the day came from someone who couldn't tell left from right. Take that, Google Maps.