for immediate release

April 24, 2006

A tan bath mat, missing since early February, when it disappeared en route to the laundry room, was discovered on Saturday, April 22, safe and unharmed, but discolored and smelling of gutter run-off. The two-by-three-foot piece of terry, used to dry feet as they exit the watery environment of the shower, turned up outside the house, wedged between the foundation and some shrubbery.

Resident JennyMcFlint made the discovery while conducting some light weekend yard work. "My rake hit something back there," she told reporters gathered on the scene, "and it didn't feel like no pile of leaves!" When McFlint pushed aside an ugly yew that has never been liked, she found the bath mat amongst a pile of rotting leaves and brush. "I couldn't believe my eyes," she gushed. "After all these months, it was just under my nose, practically begging to be let back into the house."

As soon as its identity was confirmed, the Egyptian cotton mat was rushed to the nearest facilities and bathed "in the hottest damn water possible," according to McFlint. After a fluff cycle, the victim appeared "good as new."

There was no evidence indicating how the victim lost its way, nor how it survived on its own for months through an unforgiving New England winter. McFlint told authorities on the scene that she would not be requesting an investigation or to eventually press charges.

"We're just so happy to have a warm, dry place to step when we get out of the shower," McFlint told the gathering crowds. "My family would like to thank everyone for their loving support during these difficult times. Now please excuse me--we have to make up for a lot of lost time," she told the crowd of onlookers as she headed inside, clutching her Downy-fresh bath mat and adjusting her Hello Kitty shower cap.